Life Unchained: You Deserve to Be Healed

For a long time now, I've been working on the self-help project called Life Unchained and The Art of Living Deeply. It’s a smattering of core life lessons that I’ve learned through real-world experiences, personal work with therapists and professional work with psychologists and neurologists.

The core of it is essentially a treatise on how to un-fuck your life. I'm not offering 90 days to get a new body. There are no promises about being able to improve your sex life, and I know the square root of jackshit about how to save money on your car insurance.

Since this is just an introduction and shameless promotion, I'm not going to give you the whole damn syllabus.

Instead, I'm going to talk to you like the red-blooded man that I am. So, I want to create a picture in your mind that makes this more about words on a screen.

I want you to imagine a comfortable, relaxing place.

For me, it's a coffee shop with old-school golden wood posts and ceiling beams. Sitting at a pedestal table that has a tiny bit of wobble under one foot. A giant plate glass window to the right letting in just the right amount of springtime sun to brighten the room with natural light. Little fake vines trimmed around it, their dark green vinyl foliage kissed white with a light patina of dust.

Now I want you to picture me sitting across from you. Hands folded patiently in front of me. My graying goatee rings my warm smile. Then I look at you with my big hazel eyes and say, "You Deserve To Be Healed."

Now don't just gloss over that line. I bolded the damn thing for a reason!

Now I want you to say it to yourself out loud. Even if it's just a whisper.

You Deserve To Be Healed!

If you're really bold, you'll say it out loud 8 times in a row. My old college psych professor told me that if you say something out loud 8 times, there's a 91% chance you'll remember it.

So, I challenge you to say it out loud eight times. Maybe even a little louder each time.

You can say it, looking into my eyes, you can do it in the quiet of your bedroom. Maybe even go into the bathroom and say it eight times, staring at yourself in the mirror.

You Deserve To Be Healed

You Deserve To Be Healed

You Deserve To Be Healed

You Deserve To Be Healed

You Deserve To Be Healed

You Deserve To Be Healed

You Deserve To Be Healed

You Deserve To Be Healed

No Judgement 

In my petulant 20s, I found myself running from my mistakes until I ended up in a Zendo learning that I'm a terrible Buddhist.

One of the things the Roshi told me that stuck was "Hurt people, hurt people, and healed people try to help hurt people heal themselves.

As much as I hated that crusty old bastard then, I've come to understand everything he told me was true.

I was once a hurt person. And without realizing it, I hurt other people. Including people I loved, people who cared about me for the right reasons, and passersby who didn't laugh at my jokes.

I’ve had vices and broken vices. I’ve broken hearts and had mine broken. I’ve slovenly lain on the couch, letting life pass me by because I was too turtled up to live.

Yet I rose back up, looked at the man in the mirror, dug deep to heal the original wounds, and freed myself.

Today, I’m a man pushing 50 who benches 250, runs a sub-10-minute mile, and doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble, do drugs, or distract myself with video games.

Most importantly, I’m a man who can look in the mirror and tell you that I’m not afraid of anything within.

Once again, I want you to imagine me looking at you with my big hazel eyes when I tell you. Living your life unchained from the demons within is absolutely worth the long, hard work you have to put in to get there. 

The Power of Forgiveness

The phrase I forgive you is one of the most powerful in all of human language. Outside of I Love You, it might just be the most powerful thing you can say to another person. It took me a long time to learn how to truly forgive others and even longer to learn how to forgive myself.

Once again, that crusty old bastard Roshi was right: “Hurt People, Hurt People.” In this chapter of my life, I’ve learned that when someone hurts me, when someone trespasses against me, the real wisdom is to look for the wound within them.

Usually when someone hurts you, they don’t do it because they are malevolent or morally worthless. Usually, they’re over their emotional capacity, lacking in reflection, or mirroring the wrong that was done to them as a child.

When you look at it that way, the power to forgive someone else, even when they don’t dare to ask for it, is a healing experience for you. They’re the ones who have to walk around with the stain of that shame in them, while you walk free and healed.

You also have to learn how to forgive yourself. However, this is much harder than forgiving someone else. If the wound that needs forgiving is linked to something you’ve done wrong to another person, the first step is apologizing to them. Even if it’s just a signed apology card in the mail. Showing that accountability for what you’ve done wrong is just the first step.

From here, you need to be mindful that forgiveness isn’t about self-punishment. It’s about owning what happened, but don’t reduce your entire identity to do so. Give yourself the same understanding you’d offer someone you love. Recognize the context, the limits you had at the time, and what you’ve learned since.

Then make it actionable in your real life. Apply the lesson, embrace a healthier mindset, and change your behavior. Let growth be the proof that you’re no longer the person who made that terrible mistake.

No Easy Way Out

I know these days, everyone on TV and the internet is promising you quick fixes for everything. The truth is, you didn’t get out of shape and let your mind go in the gutter overnight. It took time to get into the hard place you’re in right now, and it’s going to take time to get out of that hard place.

When I wear my marketing consultant hat, I often find a similar problem. I walk in, and they’ve touched the ceiling of their potential one time. They’ve tasted success, usually by building some sort of quick fix “Trampoline” of a promotion. They bounce on it until it breaks. Then they try to build a new trampoline, repeating the same pattern.

Usually, by the time I step onto the scene, there’s a room full of broken trampolines, and someone is confused and crying in the corner. The unfortunate truth that so many people fail to embrace is that the best way to consistently touch the ceiling of your potential is to build a high floor.

This is done by stacking small victories every single day. It’s putting in that workout when you’re feeling lazy, it’s making sure you show up for your kids every time. It’s telling yourself that the chef salad is the smarter choice than the greasy cheeseburger. It’s putting down that beer and ordering an iced tea instead.

Consistently making these little positive choices every single day doesn’t just lead to a healthier life. It raises your floor gradually, while ingraining the habits of success deep down into your spiritual bone marrow. It’s only when you give yourself over to this long, relentlessly consistent process that you stop wishing for a better life and realize that you’re truly capable of building one.

If you want to go deeper into this work, you can follow along at Eric Beuning’s Author Page. I’ll be building it piece by piece.