Life Unchained: The Power of Emotional Sovereignty

The other day, I was walking into a store with a small group of people, and out of the blue, a guy in his twenties asked me, “How do I get swagger like yours?” He didn’t ask this because of my perfect business casual fashion sense. Without me saying a word, he saw the natural confidence I carry as a middle-aged man who knows his true worth.

Always happy to drop a nugget of deep advice, I told him, “I lift weights, I run, I go to therapy, don't eat shit, don't chase, don't swipe, and when I love, I don’t half-ass it. When you work to build the value of the man in the mirror, everyone who matters will find it irresistible and want to be a part of what I have going on. Everyone who doesn’t see your value can do their own thing.”

Now we’re going to talk about the health, fitness, and showing up at therapy side of this equation in other articles. So, I don’t want to go too deep into those topics right now. What I want to talk about is the emotional sovereignty component of the advice I gave him.

What Is Emotional Sovereignty?

The dry definition of emotional sovereignty is “The ability to fully own, regulate, and process your emotions without relying on others for validation.” 

Now setting the dictionary aside, I would tell you that emotional sovereignty comes from a level of self-awareness and personal investment that breeds confidence and the self-knowledge that you can handle whatever life throws at you.

We often rely on the validation and emotional energy of others to help us feel comfortable in our own skin. Human beings are social animals, and it makes sense that the opinions of others do matter in a bellwether sense. It’s when we allow the opinions of others to prop up or erode our sense of self-worth that the authority of emotional sovereignty starts to leak.

You see this most often in romantic relationships and the friendships of younger people. Co-dependently needing your partner to “See You” to feel good about yourself is a form of giving away your emotional sovereignty. Feeling bad about yourself after a “Frenemy” picks on your little faults is another form of emotional sovereignty leakage.

Each of these things is a pin prick in the bucket of your self-worth. Let enough of them happen, and it will eventually drain your sense of self-worth dry.

The Relationship Between Confidence and Emotional Sovereignty

The swagger my new parking lot buddy was picking up on from me, was my confidence. I don’t strut like a rooster, I stride like a man who knows where he’s going, even if I haven’t planned out every step along the way.

Emotional sovereignty is the foundation the house of confidence is built upon. If you’re a man, struggling with confidence, you’ve probably watched a million reels telling you how to fake confidence by sitting tall, keeping your chin up, making eye contact, and all that other stuff. Then you meet a woman, and she smells the lack of confidence in you instantly.

When you invest first in emotional sovereignty, real confidence blooms from it, and you don’t have to fake anything. The trick isn’t to practice fake confidence more in the mirror; it’s to actually put in the hard work to become a truly emotionally sovereign person who believes in themselves.

Most men don’t lack confidence. They lack control over their emotional state. So, they chase validation, tolerate disrespect, and call it “connection.” Unfortunately, it’s not connection, it’s emotional dependence. And when you put the responsibility for your sense of self-worth in someone else’s hands, it’s only a matter of time until they fumble it. Leaving you with the hurt from not having maintained your own sense of self-esteem.

The Pillars of Emotional Sovereignty

Things like self-awareness, emotional regulation, and knowing your self-worth, which serve as the hallmarks of emotional sovereignty, are built by investing in a series of healthy habits. They’re reflected in my advice to my parking lot pal.

Dedication to Fitness

Physical fitness isn’t about looking good in the mirror or having the confidence to take your pump cover off at the beach.

You have to do your own heavy lifting in fitness and with your mental health.

When you lift weights and put in cardio, you push yourself. Progressive overload, setting a new personal best, getting a high-five from your high-priced personal trainer. They all add to your sense of self-worth.

Exercise also triggers your brain to release dopamine, the “Feel Good” neurochemical in the brain. This increased ambient dopamine pool leads to a persistent sense of higher self-worth, while also helping to battle back feelings of sadness and depression.

Getting Your Mind Right

Showing up at therapy is a great way to get your mind right and keep it dialed in. The self-awareness it fosters helps you to stop being a victim of your triggers and start being the architect of your reactions.

Journaling is also a great way to build your emotional processing skills. I have a psychology skin I apply to one of my AI assistants that gives me someone to talk to and explore my feelings with greater patience than you can expect from a friend.

High Value Peers

Your social group has a massive effect on how you feel and how you see yourself. When I surrounded myself with people who had a drinking problem, I had a drinking problem. When I surrounded myself with entrepreneurs, I strove more for success in my life. When I spent time with people focused on their healing, I worked more on the unaddressed traumas in my heart.

Ask yourself who you want to be and then seek out those kinds of people. If anything, walking away from an unhealthy social group and toward a social group that actually is healthy for you will help you find a greater sense of emotional courage.

No Chasing No Swiping

I have swiped on a dating app profile three times in my life, and each one led to a relationship. I’m not an incredibly handsome man, but when I’m single, my dating profile clearly expresses who I am with confidence and emotional sovereignty, reading between the lines. Women swipe on me when they see that I’m pushing 50, in shape, don’t drink, smoke, do drugs, play video games, and embrace my emotional intelligence. This ensures that the ones who do reach out to me are attracted to the adventure and passion I have to offer.

I also famously tell everyone by the third date that “I don’t chase, but I do show up, and I put in an effort.” This isn’t about “Control,” though some think it is. It’s about accepting a certain level of mutual respect and effort.

Because I also want to respect their emotional sovereignty. So, it’s not about one of us chasing the other to satisfy the ego. It’s about both of us showing up for each other and the growing relationship with mutual respect. And the women who are emotionally intelligent enough to see that and understand that in me are the ones who are capable of having the kind of deep connection that I want.

Because you will ultimately waste your time swiping and chasing desperately on a bunch of random strangers who can’t meet you where you want to be.

Compared to simply putting your best foot forward authentically and waiting with the power of patience for it to attract the right person.

My policy is to reward courage with showing up authentically and fully present. I don’t give my sovereign energy chasing someone lurking in the shadows of my socials, liking my pics with breadcrumbs. Yet I show up, honest, open, and respectful when that person messages me an honest bid for connection.

Bringing Emotional Sovereignty Full Circle

Now I’m not telling you I have always been this rock-solid plateau of emotional sovereignty. This is a truly learned lesson in my life with a lot of “Earned Tears” invested in it.

Many years ago, I fell deeply in love with a woman who had a dismissive avoidant fear of commitment. As soon as she found out I was thinking about a ring, she dropped me for no good reason and vanished. I wasn’t the emotionally sovereign titan I am today. I chased her, hard. Begging, pleading, writing long love letters, and showing up at her special events. Everything I could do to desperately remind her of the special love we had.

Of course, none of it worked. Human beings are naturally attracted to emotional sovereignty and repelled by desperation. Even after I stopped chasing her, it took me months, if not a full year, to get over her and rebuild my sense of self-worth.

Many years later, I once again fell deeply in love with another woman who turned out to have the same dismissive avoidant fear of commitment. Sure enough, as soon as I started saving up for a ring, she texted me a breakup message and completely ghosted me, as if I’d never mattered.

This time, I was older, wiser, and much more embodied with the self-worth of emotional sovereignty. I didn’t chase. I went into no contact silence. I doubled down on my lifting and running. I doubled down on my career, taking new steps forward. I went to therapy, did my journaling, and ran my AI assistant ragged processing the emotions in a positive way.

I let her know that if she ever wanted to talk about things, I’d be open to a friendly conversation. Then I got on with the rest of my life. Even though I still missed her and loved her a little bit deep down inside, I reward courage. I wasn’t going to surrender my sense of self-worth for someone who wasn’t going to meet me halfway.

I prioritized my emotional sovereignty over the love I felt for her. I focused on healing, fitness, getting my mind right, and leveling up my life. To the point that a few months later, I was walking through a parking lot, and some dude in his twenties asked me, “How do I get swagger like yours?”