Imperfectly Healed Part 2: The Emotional Toolbox
Now I know this is the part where I just got you to stare down the enemy in the mirror in Imperfectly Healed Part One, and I’m in supposed to tell you to roll up your sleeves and dive headlong into the abyss of your soul. Every search engine algorithm would get a digital erection from hearing me tell you to mine down to the original wound.
And while that's a critical component of the healing journey you need to go on, you're probably not ready for that yet. Because honestly, If you were truly ready to mine down to the original wounds, you'd already have the spiritual pickaxe in your hand long ago.
So, before we start shoveling through bad habits, poor choices, wrong turns and piles of cold regret, we need to gather some supportive resources. These are not supposed to be crutches, they’re emotional tools to help you find your own way through the healing journey.
Connecting with A Trusted Stranger
One of the most important people who helped me get out of the gutter was a woman I met on a golden retrievers Facebook group; we’ll call her “Betty.” We had a lot in common and spoke a similar language.
She was lonely and coming out of a hard place after losing her dog, just like how I'd lost mine. So, we were already Messenger pen pals before I found myself broken and kneeling in that cold shower.
Having a heart of gold and living 1500 miles away, she knew the square root of jackshit about me, but she was willing to listen and give healing feedback. At the same time, she also needed someone to talk to about the things her heart was grieving.
The reason I say Find a Trusted Stranger is largely due to the preconceived notions of the people already in your life. Yes, your mother loves you, but she has her own vision for who she thinks you should be and how you ended up where you are now. Your best friend cares about you but they're probably more than a little sick of your shit.
A stranger doesn't know you from Adam. You're more likely to be honest with them about your past because they aren't part of it. And they get a sense of validation watching you find yourself in the present.
How to Find Them?
One of the secret truths of human social structures is that we attract like-minded people into our lives. When you truly invest in the healing journey, it starts to change how you present yourself to others.
Put yourself out in the world, and you will naturally attract someone who is in a similar place. It might be at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, or an online self-help support group.
It truly is like the quote by Rumi: “When you walk on the path with earnest, the way reveals itself.”
You might not find this person right away. You might stumble through a few strangers before you find the one you who truly speaks your language. Still, putting yourself out in the world is good for you, and the new social skills you likely need to develop.
At the same time, having a mutually supportive peer also opens up a sense of compassion. It's a two-way street where you connect with how someone else is feeling in a giving way.
This is important because part of how you were laid low probably had some element of selfish choices involved. And proactively caring about how someone else feels helps undo some of that self-centered mental wiring.
Do I Need a Mentor on My Healing Journey?
I would caution against seeking out a traditional mentor on your healing journey. Someone wise and been there before certainly will have powerful insights. Yet a big part of the healing journey is learning how to guide yourself.
An AA sponsor who checks in with you or a martial arts instructor who gives you pointers are all great connections that will help reinforce you. Just don’t go looking for a Mr. Miyagi mentor figure to guide you on every step of the journey.
Because it’s not their healing journey, it’s yours. You have to own every single step of the process, or you’ll lose yourself along the way.
And yes, you’re going to stumble at times. When you own those stumbles, without anyone else to blame, you find the lessons in each self-inflicted obstacle.
As time goes on, and the connection deepens, mentors can become an emotional crutch. You have a bad day, don’t know how to handle it, so you run to your mentor to help ease your angst and give you the answers.
A huge part of the healing journey is learning to sit with those difficult emotions. To process them on your own in a healthy way, without running to someone else’s answers.
Show Up at Therapy
Now this is where I'm supposed to insist that you go to therapy as a critical component of staying true to your healing journey. Because if I don't say that some psychologist out there will shit in their hands and throw it at me like an enraged ape.
You will indeed make more progress, faster, with fewer setbacks if you SHOW UP at therapy. It's not enough to just walk into that therapist's office and waste 55 minutes on emotional chit-chat.
In my experience, there’s a significant percentage of general therapists who will let you go through the emotional motions without seriously challenging you to grow. They give you cute little “Homework Assignments” and nuggets of observations to think on while you’re out to lunch.
Yet their focus is on meeting the goals for their billable hours in a month. As long as you don't go out like Brooks Hatlen in The Shawshank Redemption, they don't have to worry about their malpractice insurance going up.
Many, but not all, of them will happily let you chit-chat along, saying a couple of clever things and scribbling in their notes, waiting for you to have a breakthrough. Then they help you pick up the pieces and call it progress.
What you truly need to do is find a therapist who specializes in whatever ails your aching soul. Then walk in and say something like I did.
"I'm not here to screw around with emotional chit-chat; I want to do the work. And I'm giving you permission to push me hard. If I feel like you're dragging it out, I'll quit therapy and leave a scathing review about you online."
And you need to accept that a therapist isn't going to willingly push you harder than you push yourself. You have to understand in your spiritual bone marrow that the old comfort zone where you got soul sick is now on the other side of a bridge burned.
Keeping a Gratitude Practice
Honestly, the first time I heard about Gratitude Journaling, I was working with a neurologist and thought it was just another fluffy holistic medicine idea to try after the herbal tea enema failed to move my spiritual bowels.
Then, I actually started doing, it and the process was transformational. Practicing gratitude isn't about pretending everything in your life is all sunshine and rainbows. It's about recognizing that even when you're having a shit sandwich of a day, there are still things worth appreciating. And all you have to do is look for them.
Good things are hiding in plain sight, but you've become so consumed with what hurts, what's missing, or what went wrong. So, I started spending about 10 minutes a day writing down something I'm grateful for. It might be something someone did for me, a conversation that made me smile, a beautiful morning with my dog, or that workout I gutted my way through.
Over time, I found that gratitude is a little like emotional weightlifting. The more you practice it, the stronger you become at recognizing the good things in your life. You start finding opportunities in places where you once saw nothing but frustration.
Whatever it is, even if it feels a little forced. Training yourself to see the good in the world will gradually make it easier to see the good in yourself.
Conclusion
I want you to hear the gravel in my voice when I say that you are not defective. You aren't broken. You've just gotten a little too used to feeling lost, and part of finding your way again starts with finding the right tools and breaking your bad habits.
What we went through here is just the tip of a massive iceberg of personal growth, and that landscape is going to change with you over time. And yeah, you're going to hit some bumps along the way; you're going to get a little lost again. You're even going to have moments where you're frightened of the road ahead.
That's completely natural, and you’re going to have moments where it feels like your emotional toolbox is failing you. Remember what we talked about in Imperfectly Healed Part 1, where Rocky steals the enemy’s heart.
Yet Ivan Drago doesn’t fall over instantly and beg for his mommy to bring him a bottle of borscht and Winstrol. Rocky still has a lot of fight ahead of him, and so do you. These are just some of the important tools you’ll need for the journey ahead and the next steps you need to take in changing your habits.
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