Life Unchained: Finding the Superman Within Us All
Life Unchained: Finding the Superman Within Us All
There's a lot of chatter online talking about the difference between a Nice Guy and a Good Man. Rather than wade through a sea of Bro Fest clichés or dudes crying over herbal tea, I thought I'd take a more heroic perspective to look at masculine identity through the lens of Superman's various personas.
There’s always this moment in the movies where Clark Kent ducks off to the side. He rips his shirt open, buttons flying everywhere to his tailor’s dismay, and we all gasp because we know the big moment is coming.
Yet when we look closer at what’s being exposed here beyond the cinematic drama, we see a little bit of the nice guy of Clark Kent, the good man of Superman, and Kal-El in all of us. Yet with all there, there needs to be a healthy balance.
The Nice Guy of Clark Kent
Clark Kent is the cliché embodiment of a nice guy. He’s a people-pleaser who will change his opinion based on the whims of who he thinks is watching. The interesting subtext here is that Clark hides behind kindness by making himself smaller, softer, and more agreeable to avoid showing who he really is.
He’s the guy who shows up, does the right thing, helps everybody else, and rarely asks for anything in return. On the surface, it looks noble as hell. Yet underneath it all, he’s still waiting to be seen, appreciated, and chosen.
Clark Kent is the mask he wears to make everybody else comfortable. It's the personality he portrays to connect with people.
Without the false mask of Clark Kent, Superman would be lonely. He knows people would want him for what he could do. Party tricks cooling down Lois’s margarita with his super breath and re-warming Jimmy's cold pizza with his eye rays.
I would argue that he pretends to be a lesser version of himself not just to get people to connect with him. They also reveal themselves to him in vulnerable ways that they wouldn’t if they knew the truth.
It’s also worth noting that Lois Lane has no interest in Clark Kent as he is. He can bring her coffee, respect her, open the door for her, and kiss up to her all day long. And Lois’s panties are still drier than the Sahara.
Dudes who are trying to “Impress the Girl” by being the “Nice Guy” need to understand that women quickly lose interest in the nice guy because there's no backbone behind it. A guy who suppresses his needs, lets his boundaries be violated, and avoids conflict secretly keeps score of every nice thing he does. All in hopes it will eventually earn him affection. That's not genuine kindness. It's a transaction dressed up as virtue.
Women generally want a man who is kind and has a spine, who has his own desires, boundaries, opinions, and direction. Because a man with self-determination will also stand his ground when the wolves are at the door. And deep down, we all know it's only a matter of time in life before the wolves will be at the door again.
Identifying Your Own Clark Kent
I think we all have a little bit of a Clark Kent persona. We all have to put on a different face at work, with your buddies, and with your partner. The question is, how different is that face from who you truly are?
For me, it’s when I'm hanging out with my buddies who don't necessarily agree with my take on Thoreau's idea, “to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life"
I love those guys; they're the dudes I want to be around when I want to be a dude. Yet I know I can't discuss Thoreau with them, or the deeper meaning of reflecting on my father's death.
I perform as a comedian with a social media thumbs-up on their sexy Sydney Sweeney memes, and talkin' a little trash about their fantasy football team. They suspect there's a deeper intellect under the funny guy face I put on for them.
Ask yourself: what are the nice guy masks you put on for work or hanging out with your friends?
The Good Man of Superman
Superman is the definition of a “Good Man” and the coolest and easiest to love of all of Kal-El’s personae. On the face of it, he’s the hero who saves the day. He makes Lois Lane’s panties moist and pulls off stunts that make Keanu Reeves say “Woah.”
Superman has principles, standards, and boundaries he won’t violate for anyone’s sake. Lois Lane practically faints in his presence, and you know he likes her affection. Yet if she asked him to use his powers to steal a necklace for her from the jewelry store, he’d say “No,” without flinching.
The most defining factor of a good man is that when having to choose between what’s right and what he wants, he chooses what’s right. He might hesitate with temptation, or struggle with self-doubt, but he always chooses the right thing. Not to show off for others, but because he holds himself to a higher standard that is judged by the man in the mirror.
We see this perfectly in Zack Snyder’s take on Man of Steel. Kal-El wants nothing more than to know what it’s like to be Kryptonian and connect with his people. Then he’s forced to kill General Zod to save the Earth, and some lazy-ass tourists who couldn’t just walk around the corner to avoid Zod’s eye rays. Then, at the end, the US Military is trying to track him down, and he says, “I’m here to help. But it has to be on my own terms.”
What Are Your Good Man Standards?
Take a minute to look at the man in the mirror and ask yourself what your standards and terms are.
I’m not talking about the Bro Fest bullshit and internet memes like “I no longer tolerate disrespect” or how you’re on a mission to find your “Safe Space.” And I also don't mean the basic stuff like "I protect and provide for my family."
What standards does the man in the mirror hold you to, or what new standards would you like to set for yourself?
These should be the kind of promises you keep even if no one's watching.
Write three things down and hide it in the back of your underwear drawer, without the “Nobody’s coming to save you” internet claptrap.
Identifying Your Superman Self
I admit there's a part of me that deeply identifies with Superman's need to be a hero. Like him, I've always been a big, strong dude who can handle what life throws at him and figure out what I can't.
I grew up watching Hulk Hogan, Luke Skywalker, and Christopher Reeve save the day.
There's been more than one moment in every relationship in my life where the woman on my arm was impressed with my strength. I flex a little harder when she caresses the contours of my arms. I even enjoyed the praise I got when I broke up a fight in the Kwik Trip deli section.
If you take an honest look at that person in the mirror, you can probably think of times when you felt that little extra bump of validation from being seen at something you're good at. There's nothing wrong with it in small doses.
Yet just like Superman, if you stay the performative hero for too long, it consumes the deeper substance of who you are. It can be tricky to balance it all. Because as nice as it is to be seen for what you're good at, it will burn you out.
The Exhaustion of Being the Hero
Being powerful all the time can be mentally exhausting for Superman or any capable man. I love that when I walk into a room where there's a problem, everyone breathes a little easier.
They know that a mature, capable grown-ass man is on the scene. Everyone who knows me knows that I'm not walking out of that room until the problem is solved, or we at least have a real plan of action.
As a man, I love being that dude who saves the day without any Kryptonian magic to help me.
Yet there are times when I have to be a successful entrepreneur, a good dad, a loving partner, put in two workouts a day, and walk the dog. To the point that it does wear me down. And sometimes it does make me feel a little taken for granted.
I've learned that if I just try to keep that brave face the whole time and tough it out, I won't truly be at my best. As a non-Kryptonian, there are limits to my cumulative fatigue.
The Yellow Sun of Self-Care
When Superman suffers an ass-kicking, or Lois shoots down Clark's flirtiest lines, what does Kal-El do?
He goes to his Fortress of Solitude. He touches base with his true self. He explores what it means to be the last surviving Kryptonian. He licks his wounds, rethinks his next move, and maybe broods a little bit, getting stuck in his feelings.
This is his version of practicing self-care.
Notice how he's not drinking light beer and crying while he sings along to Nickelback. He doesn't post a bunch of performative reels on Facebook to try to impress Lois.
He gives himself some Me Time.
And yeah, the people in the world who are used to him always saving the day do start to wonder where he's at. They're used to him always swooping in all the time. Now I would also argue that some of those problems people are griping about, they could handle for themselves.
Yet it's not like Kal-El isn’t sitting back saying, "Screw those pussies!"
He's in a place where he's tapped out. He needs a rethink and a recharge. And sometimes you do too!
What Healthy Self-Care Looks Like
I understand why Kal'El calls it his Fortress of Solitude, rather than his Funky Ice Castle or the Safe Space where he cries in his herbal tea.
As an unmarried, only child whose parents have passed, a single father, and an entrepreneur, I am honestly the only dude who understands what it’s like to be me. In a similar vein to how Kal-El feels being the only person with his power and singular identity.
Fitness and Focus
When I need self-care, I pump iron or I go for a run. This isn’t about the muscles and frame, as much as it’s a part of who I am. You hold a lot of your emotions in your body and muscle tension.
Set aside some serious time to consider what your self-care should look like. Not what feels impulsively good when you're stressed.
Superman isn't drinking light beer and singing along to the Goo Goo Dolls in his Fortress of Solitude, and neither should you in your man cave.
If you don't know where to start. I'd recommend this minimum self-care routine.
Lift weights 2-3 times a week for 30 minutes.
Go for a 10-block power walk after supper.
Cut whatever your vices are in half or embrace sobriety with pride, like I do.
Spend 10 minutes a night writing in a gratitude journal.
Replace one bad meal, like a cheeseburger, with a good meal like a chef salad.
Find someone you care about and make a point to send them a good morning message.
Those things are just an easy starting point for self-care. In time, you can do more or add other things like practice playing guitar or take up watercolor painting
Finding The Superman Within You
I think one of the reasons why so many men connect with Superman is that we can see a little bit of ourselves in him. There are times when you have to put on the nice guy mask of Clark Kent at work or maybe even on a first date. Just don’t wear it too much, or you risk the same kind of spineless, unattractive persona he suffers from.
Then when things get sticky, you have to be the good man who has standards and stands up for himself and the people he cares about. Ideally, you want to be this base level of Superman without the theatrics.
Sure, it’s OK to perform every now and then. Hell, as an extrovert, I perform the hero way too much myself. Yet understand that being the hero in everyone’s eyes will get exhausting, and when the time comes, have smart ways to recharge your batteries.
Kal-El's self-care is his Fortress of Solitude, yet you shouldn’t use that kind of alone time as an excuse to go hide in your man cave with a sixer of Bud Lite and listen to the Goo-Goo Dolls. It’s about doing the things you need to do to recharge in a healthy, purposeful way.
Because as a man, there are people in your life who need you to consistently be a good man. And that requires maintaining your strength in purposeful ways. So, when you do have to perform heroically from time to time, you aren’t completely exhausted and left hiding behind a meek Clark Kent mask.
If you'd like to read more Life Unchained articles, you can follow Eric Beuning's Author Page or deep dive into the Aesthetic Voyager blog.
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